"The show is coming on girls....and I just got the six pack of the Bartles and James!"
Whenever Lawrence says Wunnerful, Wunnerful
If there is old folks dancing in the audience
If any of the musical family is wearing bad 70's clothing
If Cissy King flashes her underpants dancing
When Joe Feeney's voice gets really high
Whenever there is a camera close-up of the trombone section
Whenever Jo Ann Castle looks at the camera during her piano number
During any number George Cates conducts
Whenever Lawrence flirts with any one of his female singers
During any Sandi Griffiths, Gail Farrell, Mary Lou Metzger number
Whenever Larry Hooper sings one of his novelty songs
If Lawrence refers to one of his singers as their "Singing Hostess from Escondido"
If Guy Hovis and Ralna English sing a country duet
At any refrence to a cast member's family member in the PBS wraparounds
Whenever Ken Delo flirts with the ladies in the audience
At any sight of bubbles on the stage
During any Myron Floren polka number with Bobby Burgess and Cissy King dancing
If Charlotte Harris is singing in the chorus instead of the orchestra
If you see one of the "expecting" music makers hiding their pregnancy on camera
If Norma Zimmer's on the program but her solo is NOT one of the first three numbers in the show
Everytime a music maker makes an appeal for pledges during one of  public television's fund raising drives
Whenever any one of the music makers address the Maestro as "Mister Welk"
If Dianne Lennon sings a solo or duet without her sisters in a color episode
For each and every lady that dances with Lawrence during a tag dance
When Arthur Duncan mentions Bill "Bojangles" Robinson as his idol before the number, "Doing The New Lodown"

Whenever Lawrence introduces Ava Barber as "our Country Gal."
If any of the music makers make a reference to Geritol
Whenever Gail Farrell plays the piano in a musical number
Whenever Lawrence introduces Myron Floren as "The Happy Norweigan."
At every Richard Maloof shot with his huge mustache
When there is a "Milestones and Memories" reference in the PBS wraparounds
During any Sandi Griffiths, Sally Flynn number
Whenever there is a Bob Havens camera close-up in the trombone section
Whenever Jimmy Roberts sings, "I Left My Heart In San Francisco."
If Dick Dale is surrounded by one or more of the female talent
During any number that involves Curt Ramsey in the mix
Whenever Tanya appears with her hair long
At any Jack Imel number that involves spoons
During any Myron Floren polka number with someone other than Bobby-Cissy dancing
Whenever Lawrence introduces a female act as one of his "pretty girls."
If Janet Lennon is dressed up like a little old lady
Whenever any one of the music makers address the Maestro as "Lawrence"
If Bob Ralston in the opening group song
Whenever Bob Lido clowns around with Aladdin, Charlie Parlato or Jo Ann Castle
When Mary Lou Metzger sings in a high-flirty Betty Boop-type voice
During one of Clay Hart's numbers, he tells either Buddy Merrill or Neil Levang to "pick it"
If Myron Floren or the Maestro mentions x-number of kids Joe Feeney has before or after he sings "Sunrise, Sunset"
When you see the original opening title card for an episode that has aired on public television
If the orchestra "plays" an instrumental piece that was heard exactly like the recording on one of their albums

Whenever Bob Lido does a number with the Hotsy Totsy Boys
If Anacani does NOT sing in Spanish at all
If Guy Hovis does a solo number
Whenever Lawrence appears without his baton
If any of the music makers show signs of affection, such as hugging, kissing, etc.....
Whenever Tom Netherton is surrounded by one or more of the female talent
Whenever Tanya appears with her hair short
At any number with Gail Farrell, Ron Anderson, and Michael Redman
Whenever Lawrence makes a plug for one of his albums or one by anyone from the Musical Family
If Jo Ann Castle carries Charlie Parlato off the stage
If there are only three Lennon Sisters on the show
Whenever one of the music makers flub a lip synched number on the show
If any of the Blenders other than Steve Smith sing a line alone
If Bobby Burgess cuts in a dance with Lawrence Welk and Cissy King
Whenever Calcutta, Yellow Bird and Winchester Catherdal are featured on the same episode

For each and every one of the Lennon Sisters shown on camera
If any ex-Welk member returns as a special guest star on a regular show
Whenever Tanya appears as a blonde
If the show appears anywhere on location, such as Escondido, Hawaii, New York or Chicago
Whenever Lawrence refers to a female music maker by her maiden name (Sandi Jensen (Griffiths), Elaine Niverson (Balden), etc)
If Lawrence brings a box or suitcase for Charlie Parlato to stand on during a musical number
Whenever the entire orchestra wears cowboy outfits for a Country and Western themed show
If Buddy Merrill plays the steel guitar for more than one number or is show's special guest star
Whenever Laroon Holt or Harry Hyams is sporting a mustache
If there are only five of the Semonski Sisters on the show
If Natalie Nevins has blonde hair
If Dick Cathcart sings
Whenever Barbara Boylan is spotted in the studio audience
Barney Liddell demonstrates his whistling talents
Whenever Buddy Hayes or Richard Maloof clowns around on stage
If Lawrence Welk tells the ladies in the audience that Tom Netherton is "still single"
When any of the female singers sing a song originally written from a man's point of view (example: By The Time I Get To Phoenix)

If Buddy Merrill sings in the solo spotlight
Whenever anyone of the musical family does a Beatles number
If Sandi Griffiths does a solo number
Whenever there's a number featuring Mary Lou Metzger and Richard Maloof
If Lawrence talks about his golf game or does a practice golf swing
If Tom Netherton has more than just one solo number
Whenever Tanya appears in a chicken suit

During any Myron Floren polka number where NOBODY is dancing
When Lawrence enters the stage dressed as a hippie
If Anacani plays the accordian on the show
If Jamie Corey does a solo number
If Dick Cathcart sings with his wife Peggy Lennon
Whenever any one of the music makers address the Maestro as "Lawrence" and it's a show from the 50s or 60s
When an episode airs WITHOUT the Maestro for the entire show
If any musical family member's child is featured other than the Christmas show
When Natalie Nevins plays the flute and keeps on talking with the maestro
If all the members of the orchestra get to speak on camera
Whenever Lawrence Welk actually "gets the girl for once" from Bobby Burgess after a polka
If George Cates appears on camera from any pre-1973 episode
Whenever Aladdin recites a poem NOT written by Helen Steiner Rice
If Ken Delo accidently rips his pants on a Halloween show
When Bob Ralston performs, and it's not with the piano, harpischord, organ, clavetta or any keyboard instrument
If Bobby Burgess' dancing partner is NOT Barbara Boylan, Cissy King or Elaine Balden for the whole show
Whenever both the Lennon Sisters and Sandi & Sally appear on the same episode
If you hear any of the Music Makers sing any one of the newer "hip" songs